Uncoordinated Rants II: The gym

Here are some useful tips for the gym.

1. Understand the clothes that you wear: Going to the gym is not an excuse to wear whatever you want. Here are some simple rules to follow:
a. If I can see your ass, you’re doing it wrong: Seriously. Generally a female problem, but not necessarily. I don’t care that you’re so-ho friend at Kappa Tappa Kegga gave you micro-shorts with” JUCY!” written in nice friendly letters across your ass, don’t wear them to the gym. Minimum length required: If we can see your ass cheeks fall out of your shorts (and, ladies, this does happen) the shorts are two small. If you are going to wear these shorts (and you shouldn’t), at the bare minimum please, for the love of God, at least wear tights under them.

b. On Male’s shirts: T-shirts or, if you must, tank tops or sleeveless shirts. Also: please wear a shirt without holes. I am not talking about minor holes, but shirts that are tactfully shredded and to show off your “swole” muscles. This is especially important if your back is loaded with acne. This is considered a classic symptom of steroid use. From this, I can only imagine your morning routine is gym, tan, shoot horse steroids, laundry. Pro-Tip: it is probably a good idea to avoid looking like you use illegal drugs regardless if you do or not.

c. Be conscious of your fit: Unless you are built like a bronzed God (and none of us are) super taught clothes only serve to highlight unflattering aspects of your body. Be wary.

2. Don’t walk backwards on the track: Believe it or not, rules about running around the track are there for a reason. I know that they place stations around the track. I know that you may want to use the machine “behind” you. Even though it causes you to walk several extra feet, you should go with the flow of traffic and walk “all the way around the track”. I know it’s hard, but you should really question your motivation of being at the gym if you need to walk slowly against the tide of runners (forcing them to move out of the way while you shuffle forward and stare blankly) in order to save 3 calories of effort.

3. No makeup: Sweat plus makeup equals paste on your face. You look like Courtney Love.

4. No screaming: You may not know this, but it actually requires concentration to avoid crushing body parts while lifting. Hence, the irritation that comes from hearing a male voice scream “OHMYGODOHMYGODICANFEELMYDICK!HHHHRRRRUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH” is substantial. You are lifting 250 lbs, not giving birth. Unless blood or broken bones are involved anything above an audible grunt is just grandstanding. Shockingly, the louder the person, the lower the amount of weight they are lifting. Also, besides your bro-sephs, no one else gives a shit.
5. Don’t slam the weights: If you can’t control the weights when you put them down, you are lifting too much. Like a drunken 14 year-old driving a Monte Carlo, you are just not up to the task. Check your pride at the door, and stop breaking the gym’s shit. This is especially annoying when coupled with #4 above.

6. The gym is not a daycare: Working out is an important norm to pass down your spawn. However, the ideal time to do this is not when they are 4 and you are not watching them while you are screaming on the weight machine. This is dangerous and very different from a 14 year old that respectfully uses a weight machine under the watchful eye of a parent. Either pay for a babysitter or park the kids in front of the TV so that they can become good consumers like everyone else.

YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY STATEMENT:

Prepared especially for XXXXXXX X. XXXXXXXXX

Dated January 14th 2009
[. . .]
"In 2017 we will begin paying more in benefits than we collect in taxes. Without changes, by 2041 the Social Security Trust Fund will be exhausted and there will be enough money to pay only about 78 cents for each dollar of scheduled benefits."
[. . .]

Dated January 12th 2010
[. . .]
"In 2016 we will begin paying more in benefits that we collect in taxes. Without changes, by 2037 the Social Security Trust Fund will be exhausted and there will be enough money to pay only about 76 cents for each dollar of scheduled benefits."
[. . .]

Discuss.